Why Submissives Commit… and Then Disappear
This is for Domina - it is part of my Domina mentorship, and usually I keep such out of the public eye, but I want to give an example of what kind of things I talk about with other Domina to give a clue that we are not playing games, we are building empires. And, I am sure that submissives will find this information of great interest too.
***Now remember, this Domina ed is from My Femdom Philosophy and is not for “general D/s.”
Have you ever had a submissive commit to something—meeting for coffee, a first play session, even the beginnings of a dynamic—and then they simply vanish?
It is one of the most common experiences Dominant Women encounter, and one of the most misunderstood. The disappearance often feels personal, insulting, or deceptive, particularly when the submissive has spoken at length about how long he has been searching, how serious he is, or how much submission “means” to him. Yet the mistake many Dominas make is assuming that commitment occurs at the moment of agreement. Psychologically, structurally, and behaviourally, it does not. Commitment is not a declaration. It is a process.
Modern psychology, organisational behaviour, and intelligence work all converge on the same insight. People often agree to things long before they are capable of following through. The agreement marks an openness to do it, not a decision*. What determines a solid commitment is not the initial “yes,” but what happens in the period after it—the time when doubt and fear enter, fantasy turns into reality, and self-protective instincts begin to surface.
The CIA in America has identified what happens psychologically to informants in their recruitment process (Work Like A Spy: Business Tips From A Former CIA officer, J. C. Carleson, 2013), which I think Domina can learn and benefit from. In intelligence recruitment, an informant is not considered recruited when he agrees to cooperate. He is considered recruited only when he stops second-guessing his decision. Until then, the relationship remains unstable and unreliable. Because of this, the CIA employs a process known as “re-recruitment”. After the initial agreement, agents spend significantly more time reinforcing the decision, addressing doubts, clarifying consequences, and stabilising the commitment than they spent securing the agreement itself. They know agreements are fragile. It is behaviour that is the measure of someone’s commitment.
This is similar to what Domina experience with submissives. A man may agree enthusiastically to a meeting, submission, or a dynamic, yet still be psychologically uncommitted for hours, weeks or months after. Reality sets in, which often destroys his fantasy. Typically, the costs of submission—time, vulnerability, exposure, discipline—become all too real. At that point, many men experience a form of cognitive and emotional backlash commonly referred to in consumer psychology as buyer’s remorse.
